Am I The Only Faster Who Does Not Want To Lose Weight?

I've never weighed more than 50kg in my life. I'm 49,in a very toxic condition due to my stupid all-or-nothing attitude to healthy eating. I've had the ambition to eat only fruit since 1981, and I've always felt that if I was not on a 100% raw fruit diet, it was not healthy anyway so I might as well eat junk.
I've been on and off short fasts and juice diets and grape diets since 1975.Every time I fell off the fasting wagon I made myself even more unhealthy by eating disgustingly unhealthy food.

I became a vegetarian in 1973,because it grossed me out to eat dead bodies.
But it is easy to be an unhealthy vegetarian.I gave up eggs in 1975,but became a margarine and cheese freak.If any cooked food was not drenched in melted margarine I considered it not worth eating.

For the last 35 years I have eaten mostly potatoes with cheese and margarine every day except for all the false fasting starts and mono diets.The longest I ever went on just water was 5 days. When it comes to juice diets and either apple or grape diets, I always make it to day 19 and then blow it.

Every time I was disappointed at how long it was taking to get cleansed.I always felt like nothing was happening and that I needed a more powerful thing, like a plain water fast.
I went 45 days on grapes and grape juice, but I totally undid any cleansing by going on a
junk food binge that went on for about a month and I made myself very ill.

I unwittingly became dependent on laxatives in my teens. I had acne and started drinking a senna-based tea that was advertised as a cure for skin problems.In those days there were not so many strict regulations about warnings on package inserts, and I had no idea I was making my colon lazy. I drank the tea every day for years and by the time I found out what it was doing, it was too late. I have had to take either laxatives or enemas every single day since 1979.It has dominated and spoiled my life.I am not exaggerating when I say I have taken over 20 thousand enemas since 1984.

In March this year I went on an insane spree of baking eggless cakes, which went on until June. That caused me to put on some weight for the first time in my life, and I loved having some padding of fat on my bones instead of looking like a skeleton.But my body can't handle junk food without getting very fouled up.

My skin (face and body) is horrendously greasy and rough with millions of tiny pimples. My eyes are congested and the absolute worst thing is I stink.Within half an hour of a shower I have the worst sweat, even if I use roll-on antiperspirant plus spray on deodorant. My feet stink even if I only wear slip-slops(or flip-flops).I feel like the grossest, most disgusting person on the planet and I am desperate to purify my body.
I gave up cheese 3 weeks ago after I read about how dairy cows suffer.
I long ago gave up milk because it seems so foul and causes bad breath.Since then I've eaten nothing but baked beans, low GI toast, baked potatoes,soy milk, rice with tomato paste and green pepper and lettuce.All with lots of margarine.I feel so virtuous not eating cheese.

I am extra determined to do a long fast. I've always wanted to do a "finish fast". That's when you fast for however long your body takes to completely cleanse.The sign is usually when your tongue becomes clear and pink, and your breath becomes clean.

That can be dangerous though, I know. Some people can't safely complete a thorough cleanse in one long fast - they have to alternate short fasts with cleansing diets. I absolutely have to succeed this time.

I am running out of time. I haven't seen my boyfriend since February, when I had to move far away to look after my mother.He is moving to live near me in mid October.I don't want him to find me in this gross condition. My problem is I also don't want him to find me looking like an anorexic ugly bag of bones. I don't think there's enough time to complete a fast and also gain weight back.

I tried to start yesterday but I felt so overwhelmed with depression, and I couldn't stop
crying. Not because I wasn't allowed to eat - it was because of some other problems in my life but I realized that I usually distract myself from my problems by focusing on food.

I was so full of misery and despair that I ended up eating toast and rice and lettuce all afternoon and evening.Today my excuse is that I have not managed to get what I call "a good empty". I had to run some errands so I couldn't take a big pre-fast purgative.

I wanted to ask for a fasting buddy but after looking through the blogs, I'm doubting I'll find someone who is not interested in losing weight.