Crushing the Demon, Compulsion

by Wisdom Seeker
(Fort Wayne, IN)

Greetings to everyone:

I’m new to this site, but I’m not new to fasting. And I’d like to take a moment to thank Rob for all his encouraging and insightful comments. I have to agree, food is a powerful addiction, and for me at least, I’m interested in overcoming that demon of compulsion.

What in the world (or is it from this world?) compels me to eat, to break my fast of many days or even a couple weeks when I’m not even remotely hungry? It’s just as if some demon was working relentlessly to sabotage all the best plans and intentions for my life….

I’ve lost about 100 lbs mostly over the last 18 months or so mainly by fasting—in combination with a strenuous job for several months and emotional distress due to a failed relationship.

I had been pushing 300 lbs for many years, and in fact hit 300 once. Immediately pushed that back to about 285 and that’s where I stayed—pretty much around 275-285 for perhaps 7-8 years. I am 6’2” and am currently 185.

I’m NOT fasting to lose weight. I’ve lost enough weight. I don’t want to lose more, but I certainly will. I’m trying another 40-day water-only fast. That’s all I ever try.

I’ve tried this at least 100 times probably—to varying degrees of success—many dozens of times for a few days, many, many times for a week to 10 days or so, a few times for about 2 weeks or so, and maybe 2 or 3 times for 3 weeks or so.

But I’ve never made it much past 3 weeks, and never without some little nibbling on something here or there, some licking a spoon in the kitchen just to get a taste of something—and so it goes. Never 100% without a morsel of something or other…And eventually it’s that morsel that is always my undoing.

That demon starts shouting: “Well, you blew it, you big dummy. You have to start all over now. You can’t say you’ve been fasting now…..You might as well go ahead and enjoy yourself now, ‘cause it’s over….You can’t do it….You never could…You blew it again…”

This is how it always works. This is how it goes. I can’t do it. I can’t make it squeaky clean with no compromise for 40 days. I find it impossible. But I never tried a support group.

Then I got the bright idea that maybe I should start a blog. I’ve recorded these attempts in journals before, but never shared them with anyone.

But I had this idea that maybe if I held myself accountable to someone—people I don’t know—(because, of course, everybody I know thinks this sort of thing is crazy)—maybe if I had to come back to this keyboard and tell everybody what I did, how I’m getting along.

Maybe the compulsion to come back here and trumpet success will be stronger than the compulsion to stick something in my mouth.

So anyways, there I was about 2 years ago, a good 100 lbs over-weight or better, a serious romance with the bottle for about 30 years running or better, and a pack-a-day cigarette habit.

I’d come home, get good and toasted, smoking and drinking, fire up the grill late and generally wind up cooking up a grill full of chicken or something around midnight…

And often as not…the next thing I knew it would be about noon the next day, I’d be on the couch, a feast and empty bottles strewn all over the coffee table, and I’d barely have a memory of a lick of any of it.

Somewhere in the haze I knew that if I didn’t make some pretty drastic changes, I probably wasn’t real long for this world—one way or another….I had 3 goals: Quit drinking, quit smoking, and loose at least 85 lbs, or get down to 200.

It seemed impossible. Addiction—to anything—it’s all the same animal, if you ask me. Since then, I tried dealing with each one, one at a time, all 3 at once, and every possible combination of 2 of the 3.

That was almost 2 years ago, I think. Circumstances conspired to provide a catalyst for this impossible trio—in the form of a girlfriend. ( I stopped drinking –in part, to keep her, and then stopped eating when I lost her).

I have not had a drink for over 19 months now. Thanks to prayer. I give God the credit for that one. I couldn’t do it. As I said, I lost about 100 lbs, largely thru fasting. When I couldn’t stand not eating, I often ate peanuts.

And I probably quit smoking about 200 times since then. And most recently AGAIN 3 nights ago. I was going to do this 40-day gig again and this time quit smoking again, AND quit drinking coffee altogether as well!! Right….Strictly impossible. I ate the first night.

But I haven’t had a cigarette now for almost 3 complete days, and in about 2.5 hours I will have made it past day 1 of the fast. And I’m not hungry. I have done this sooooo….many times, my body shifts pretty easily into ketosis.

The hunger pains will not bother me much, and when they do come, they’re largely my own fault for indulging in coffee creamer—that seems to be enough to shift ever so briefly out of ketosis and trigger minor pangs. They really don’t bother me.

BUT the INSANE COMPULSION TO EAT REMAINS and gets worse with every day. I love to eat. I obsess over food! I dream of fried chicken and mashed potatoes and gravy--literally. It’s terrible; it really is.

And then I decided, just yesterday, I guess, that if I have to throw away all my crutches at once and give up coffee---forget it. I’ll never make it. I know. I’m supposed to be detoxing and instead I’m dumping caffeine down the hatch.

I can’t help it. Maybe in a week or 2 I can cut back. Maybe if I can pull this fast off in real pure fashion—maybe after 3 weeks I can eliminate the coffee too—until I finish. We’ll see.

So, why am I fasting for 40 days? That’s a great topic, and I’d love some real insight into this. As I understand it, 40 days is about the amount of time required to induce a true shift in consciousness—to an altered state. So I gather.

As far as I can tell, the “average” man probably carries about 30-40 lbs in fat/survival reserves. Here in America today, that number is probably much higher. But in biblical times, that may well have been about the case.

So this is my theory. It is that razor’s edge of starvation. That point when the fat reserves are spent—this appears to be precisely the point when a visionary experience is likely to be induced.

So far as I can tell. And I’m guessing, if you’re, say 100 lbs over weight like I was, you might achieve greater clarity and spiritual acumen—but that epic, life-transforming experience will probably elude anyone with plenty of fat stores left to burn.

Does anybody know? Do I have that about right? That’s exactly what I’m after—the revelatory, ecstatic experience. If I loose 40 lbs., that’s way too thin for me.

That will take me to right to that edge of starvation at 145. Maybe before then. Hunger might kick in after I loose another 30 lbs. or so, at about 155. I have no desire to burn muscle; I hope that’s not necessary.

I need to reach that place; I need to have this experience, and I will be building back up again to about my present weight. For whatever reason, I find it pretty easy to maintain at about 180-190, eating in a healthy manner –mainly fruits and vegetables and nuts and chicken and fish.

I really want to change my life—completely. This experience will pave the way for so much more that I have planned. It is only a beginning. I hit upon the idea of starting a blog—but who would find it? Would I be holding myself accountable to an unread page?

And then I found this site. The blog is still a great idea, and I went ahead and set it up….But this is a good place to start. Right here. I pray you all hold my feet to the fire. I’m not looking for kudos…. I don’t think that’s gonna help.

So here we go, yet again….And if I get what I’m looking for….this vision….I know can sometimes be terrifying…. Oh yes, I’ve read all about this too….There’s absolutely no guarantee what awaits is all “Love and Light.” Science calls this experience hallucination.

I have a different take. But unfortunately, I don’t have the luxury of going to some posh fasting-retreat all supervised by nice clean doctors in white smocks. I have to go to work.

And when you consider just exactly what my “work” is….I’m probably completely insane. I have faith my Heavenly Father won’t bring me to the point of revelation, just to then let me go plunging over the edge of a high bridge out there in Pennsylvania somewhere along I-80.

There are plenty of them—bridges of this sort out there. No, He won’t let that happen… But still, it’s a pretty frightening proposition however you look at it.

Of course, there’s nothing physically strenuous at all in just sitting there driving… I’ve done many thousands of miles fasting….But rolling down the road—mile after mile—can be sort of hypnotic in itself—especially if yer tired… Which is as good of an excuse as any not to nix the coffee just yet.

So tomorrow I’m off to Jersey again. I won’t get back until late Sunday night. By that time I should be finishing Day 3, starting Day 4. I won’t be taking any food with me.

I just have to resist the fast food and snacks once a day when I stop to fuel up, oh…, and a breakfast sandwich or something in the morning when I go to Burger King for my Coffee.

Far easier than resisting my cupboards and refrigerator here. My son lives with me. The place is jammed with food. And he’s studying to be a chef. I’m telling you—this whole thing is impossible.

My confidence level is pretty low right now.I know how easily I can cave in…for absolutely no reason whatsoever, including hunger—I have no hunger. Doesn’t matter.

Hunger is completely irrelevant. Now that’s addiction, ladies and gentleman. This is so crazy, so impossible….40 days might as well be forever….