Freeheart - A Woman's Courageous Battle to Overcome Obesity & Abuse - Support & Motivation Wanted

by KJ
(Washington)

Oh things are a mess, and my life is out of control, especially with food. I have let it destroy my quality of life and cause great misery.

I have to get a grip on it and make a decision to take a step to overpower this force in my life. It's great for my abuser, because it keeps the power over me that he wants.

I have become every name he has ever called me. I have become the fat, lazy, b%#@ that no man would ever want. I have become worthless to the world and I should kill myself; not really, those are his words to mine.

But I have allowed him access to my feelings and I have eaten my way through nine years of abuse.

I don't want it anymore. I feel powerless because I have created this heavy armor around myself.
Right now it is weighing over 100 pounds.

How can I get away from his abuse, when this is weighing me down. It makes me not want to go out and live life, and I end up taking more and more of his abuse.

In his words, who would want some tore-up 40-year-old, with five kids,(I don't have five kids), who lives on welfare, (I'm not on welfare, though I do get some assistance because he does not pay child support, I work in a law firm, he does not work at all.).

Who would want that nasty...that's where the text left off because he exceeded his limit of characters...though I have received hundreds of those...like, "wow you are a freak and need meds...ur a f*&$@# piece of s@#$....ur sick in the head u scumbag f@$%^&* bi*&%...those are just the ones that I can relatively post.

I hate food like I hate him. I want away from it as desperately as I want away from him. I have taken a stand to rid my life of his toxic existence and now I am left with the mess of me after nine years of abuse.

I desire purity and calmness. Right now I am sick to my stomach from eating all day in a state of boredom and depression. I used to be attractive and always looked much younger than I am. Now I look sick and tired.

The worst thing is that I don't want this to affect my children any longer. My 7 year old daughter is heavier than she should be. She has watched me eat and wanted to eat with me.

How can I tell her it is not good for her and no she can't eat that much or that its to late at night, when i a sitting there doing it right in front of her?

I haven't started my fast yet. I am working on getting to the point where I am ready to begin. My job is very stressful, so I am hoping that I can focus and reach out to God for help through this.

I need a period of time where my body and mind is cleansed. I need the spirituality of the experience. I need to lose the armor, so I can stand on my own two feet against my abuser.

Day One-September 8th, 2009 at 8:25

Today I feel like I am starting a rehab program for food addiction. I am not in a program, I am not able to leave life and just focus on rehabilitation from my addiction, but I am taking the amount of time that most addicts are in rehab, to try and get over my addiction to food.

I am starting at 271.8 pounds today. My stomach is upset from a weekend of binging. My face is puffy and I generally feel depression and lack of energy.

Not to mention I am dealing with an abusive relationship with an addict as well, trying to work, and take care of three children. Now here lies some of the main reasons I have turned to food.

So day one.......here we go. It's not so much the lack of food, it's the time and effort that i put into food each day. Now I have to focus on other things.

Maybe things I haven't wanted to focus on. It is going to really hard, but I can't let my kids see me like this anymore. It's not just me that I am doing this to.

Day One 6:20 pm- I am so busy at work that it really helps the day go by and I don't really think about eating. I usually binge after work and through the evening. So today I am at the computer writing about my fast, and trying to make it as real and important as it really is.

I don't pray that much, so I am going to try and take time to do that and get on a higher spiritual level so that I can lean on that power to get me through the rough times. I am sure that there will be plenty of those. That is the key, to come up with strategies to get through the difficult periods.

I am going to take a couple of hours in the morning before I go to work, to take care of me. I want to spend time in the sauna and get used to how to make a workout part of my daily life. I don't want to sit around and let life pass me by one day at a time, because I am to fat to face people, or I don't have any clothes to wear, etc....

I have almost completed one day of fasting, on nothing but pure water. I hope that everyone that is doing the same is finding peace with their success of taking care of themselves.